Following the recent resignation of Sri Lanka’s cricket captain, vice-captain and selection committee after last week’s defeat in the World Cup Final, the President, Prime Minister and Cabinet Ministers of Sri Lanka all resigned today with immediate effect. Speaking at a news conference, outgoi
Bowing to fan pressure, political auteur Percival Rajapaksa announced yet another sequel in his ‘Mahinda’ series; ‘Mahinda 3: Hairier and Scarier”. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Mr. Rajapaksa said, ‘As you know, the original plan was to do keep doing sequels forever but then my funding was cut. Well now I’m here to tell you that we are back and bigger than ever! ...
Medical experts expressed concern today for ex-President Mahinda Rajapaksa’s mental health, as evidence emerged that his amnesia was worsening. Mr. Rajapaksa’s recent statement that there had been no acts of political vengeance or violations of the Constitution during his Presidency, confirmed rumours that the former strongman was struggling with acute memory loss. Some experts have suggested the problem may be genetic, given ...
The world dictatorship rankings saw a lot of changes last week as the leaders of Zimbabwe, Pakistan and Sri Lanka intensified their bids to become the world’s top tyrant. Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe gained 32 points to move up to number three on the list after his orchestration of the assault on Zimbabwe’s opposition leader. President ...
In a continued attempt to court popular support, the government announced today a further series of ministerial appointments with renowned actress Anarkalli Akarsha appointed Minister of Cleavage, aging cricketer Sanath Jayasuriya named Minister of Baldness and Gypsies frontman Sunil Perera named Minister of Sound. The new round of appointments has come in for criticism from some ...
The staid world of Wresting was rocked today with the launch of a new variant in Sri Lanka – Parliamentary Wrestling. Speaking at a news conference after the opening match, spokesman Nimal ‘The Dozer’ Siripala said, ‘there is huge global interest in watching pot-bellied old men flailing at each other, and this is a sport that Sri Lanka can ...
Ex-President Mahinda Rajapaksa promised strong action today against the culprits behind rugby player Wasim Thajudeen’s murder, insisting that justice must take it’s course and that whoever was found to be guilty should have their pocket money taken away. Speaking to reporters, Mr. Rajapaksa went on to underline his commitment to justice by stating that if the evidence was particularly damning, he would ...
BBS strongman Gnanasara Thero’s penchant for controversy resurfaced yesterday when the Thero ordered and consumed a dish of ‘Pan-Fried Monkfish’ at the Barefoot restaurant in Colombo. The BBS has denied media reports that the monk’s consumption of monkfish was a veiled threat towards to the coastal branches of the Sangha. When reached for comment on his choice of dish, Gnanasara ...
Parliamentary hopeful Mahinda Rajapaksa unveiled today his plans to build Asia’s largest port in the town of Kurunegala. Speaking at a media briefing, Mr. Rajapaksa, who is coincidentally contesting for a seat in Kurunegala, said, ‘Kurunegala’s talented work force and good road links make it the obvious location for our new port; here we can create a global shipping hub that far outshines the second-rate ...
Youth leader and aspiring monarch Namal Rajapaksa yesterday gave into his ‘fear of missing out’ and joined the youth-led protests that have rocked Sri Lanka over the past few weeks. Speaking to media, Mr. Rajapaksa said, “As you know, I am the voice of my generation and an example to all young Sri Lankans, so I thought it best ...
At a briefing today, Cabinet Spokesman Rajitha Senaratne vehemently countered the negative rumours surrounding his role, stating that ‘It is absolutely not true that all of my official statements are immediately contradicted by the Prime Minister, Ranil Wickremasinghe’. The statement was immediately contradicted by the Prime Minister, Ranil Wickremasinghe, who said ‘It is true – in fact, I go out of my ...
Leader of the UNP, Ranil Wickremasinghe, confirmed today that the UNP would contest the upcoming General Elections alone, i.e. without the coalition partners that had banded together to gain victory in January’s Presidential election. Speaking to reporters, Mr. Wickremasinghe said, ‘The UNP is definitely contesting the elections by ourselves – it’s worked so well for us in the past, ...
Speaking to the media today, Ajith Ratwatte, Minister of Containers, Container Warehouses, Container Cleaning Materials and Modern Dance, spoke out forcefully about the key problem facing the country saying, ‘It is a lack of respect for politicians that has caused the rampant inflation and the power & fuel shortages that have crippled our nation. If the people had shown ...
Government spokesman Keheliya Rambukwella responded today to UN Humanitarian Affairs Chief John Holmes’ concerns about the safety of humanitarian workers by alleging that Mr. Holmes’ comments were part of a vast international conspiracy against the Mahinda Rajapakse administration. “We have suspected for a while that the world was out to get us – how else do ...
Cities throughout Sri Lanka overflowed with patriotic joy this weekend in response to the government’s capture of Thoppigala and thus its total liberation of the Eastern Province from terrorists. Trishaw driver K. A. L. P. Kamaladasa commented euphorically, ‘Now our brothers and sisters in the East can live their lives without fear of terrorism and violence! ...
President Mahinda Rajapakse briefed the media yesterday on one of the gravest problems facing the nation; the shortage of Rajapakse family members. President Rakapakse commented, ‘I only have 3 brothers and even if you were to take the rest of my family into account, we still don’t have enough people to fill the 100-plus ministerial posts ...
Air Marshall Sarath Punchihewa revealed more details of the government’s air defence strategy so as to reassure public fears about further LTTE air attacks. Speaking to reporters, Air Marshall Punchihewa said, ‘The public should be completely at ease; the finest minds in our military have worked on our defence plan. As you might know, our ...
Aruni Rajapakse (center) was crowned Miss Sri Lanka for Miss Universe last night in a fairy-tale rise to success. Ms. Rajapakse had not intended to participate in the pageant but was drafted in at the last minute by organisers to satisfy a government edict that only a Rajapakse can represent Sri Lanka internationally. Sources indicate ...
Defence secretary Gotabhaya Rajapakse today countered news reports that his security detail had been involved in an incident of road-side harassment against Amrit Jayawardene, the grandson of former president JR Jayawardene. Mr. Rajapakse said today that on seeing the newspaper reports of the incident, he had sent a couple of his vehicles to Mr. Jayawardene’s house, ...
Investigations into last week’s attack by the LTTE on the Katunayake Air Force base have unearthed some new details about the operation. Sri Lanka Air Force (SLAF) sources indicate that in between the LTTE airplanes being noticed by army personnel in Vavuniya and the 12:45am attack on the airbase, the LTTE airplanes had landed at the ...
