when I was a child,I believed in six ridiculous things:1. each country is a different road2. plants can grow inside me from seeds3. I can see and talk to the dead4. my pet was a pigeon (it was a hen)5. gum can stick my insides together6. lovenow that I am grown,I have discarded five.
there are things lostin transitin fickle memoryin imaginationin re-imaginingin tinted huesin the distancein lovein the lack thereofin leavingin growingin timein no time at allin gardensin hallwaysin headsin heartsyou do not fallinto these listsof too-easily-lostyet you are forever lost to me.
pause for a minute,picture the face of someone you lovethink of drawing them or describing themto an artist or a policemanwhat are the words you will use?how will you reconstruct them?what describes their particular softness?how will you portray their individual grace?what did they look likewhen they looked at you?can you reduce them precisely, perfectly,to skin colour, eye colour, hair?can you ...
1. you are not the first personto have had your heart broken2. you are not the first personto be cheated on3. you are not the first personto wake up with glass inside you4. you are not the first personto be paralysed by grief5. you are not the first personto be unloved.
1.'I have washed my hands off the matterI am taking the Pontius Pilate route'2.'you are so blinded by this psychopathyou can't see how toxic he is for you'3.'so much pressure on the next mangiven how much you talk about him'4.'I'd compete on the right aspectsif I knew what he did'5.'tell me what else your mouth can do'
this noose of corona despairever-present, like dust in the air,it sometimes threatensto drop like a familiar snake, or an acquaintance visiting, withbags and baggage in tow, but Islip away, quietly, slowly;pretend there is no one home, Iwalk quietly into the garden; Ilook around hopefully -see time greening to life around me; Isense the clouds moving awaythe ground, it stays still; ...
this noose of corona despairever-present, like dust in the air,it sometimes threatensto drop like a familiar snake, or an acquaintance visiting, withbags and baggage in tow, but Islip away, quietly, slowly;pretend there is no one home, Iwalk quietly into the garden; Ilook around hopefully -see time greening to life around me; Isense the clouds moving awaythe ground, it stays still; ...
I'll just keep onsaving up these knives -use them to stab myself again.you thought you hurt me with words?you will never know just how I hurt myself.I take them out each nightlook at all these weapons you triedand here I am bloody and broken and yetnot begging, not so fallen as to let you feed me.do you know nothing? I know how to stay hungry.
yesterdayI was paralysed by grief againI found myself holding on to the edge of the sinkstaggering, shaken,when I came toa while later,peeling potatoes,I found myself with my hands submerged in the hot waterI had slipped them in,then held them there,unthinkingI, who have always been so careful with my hands, praying for them separatelythankful for the magic they holdthe magic with ...
my limbsget so heavy sometimesI have to picture myselfpicking me up in parts -this handwith this other handthese legswith both these handsthis headtakes so much to hold upbefore I can make myself lurchthrough this sea of grief
from "you are my world"to "you were my world"there is a space so vastI can't navigate it yet -not through the ocean of your endless tearsif you can stop cryingI might stop drowning
on a scale of 1. not at all but you still tell women 'you know you can tell me anything, right?' to spilling secrets that are not yours to share into the ears of other people in bars, how trustworthy are you?2. dead drunk but you still told everyone not to touch you because you love your girlfriend that one ...