"Say when" ~ Malinda Words

‘Say when’ is something you tell someone when serving that person, typically a drink. The receiver is expected to say ‘enough’ or indicate in some other way that the required amount has been poured.

It is about what’s sufficient, what’s ideal, what’s appropriate even. Less wouldn’t suffice and more would be just too much. It is about proportions. About having a sense of proportion. Something on the lines of ‘this far but no further.’ It could also be interpreted as knowing when to say ‘stop,’ ‘now,’ ‘enough’ or ‘no.’

Once someone put a question to the Dalai Lama about mosquitoes: ‘what if a mosquito troubled you, how would you respond?’ The Dalai Lama offered a response on these lines:

‘I would brush it off with a wave of my hand. If it comes again, I would do the same thing. And if it does it a third time….’

The Dalai Lama didn’t say anything. He just smiled and slapped his arm (the place, we are supposed to imagine, where the mosquito would alight). No anger. No joy.

Now one might argue that this would violate the first precept but let’s leave the debate on doctrinal matters to those well versed in such things. What I draw from this example is appropriateness. The ‘when’ of it.

For example, if the Dalai Lama said nothing when the question was put to him and instead simply slapped his arm, i.e. in the first instance and not the third, that would be his ‘when.’ We can say that’s the limit of his patience. That’s his notion of appropriateness.

The thing about ‘when’ is that it varies from one person to the next. So we obtain appropriateness from norms and values. We let the law frame limits. We do say ‘enough,’ ‘now,’ ‘stop’ and ‘no’ but whether or not we are conscious of it, the decisions are informed by these things.

Saying when about coffee or tea we need or the amount of milk to go with coffee or tea is easy. Uncomplicated. Certainly no controversy there. How about appropriateness when it comes to, say speech? How do we decide what’s ok and what’s not? What would be useful and what’s meaningless? What would be benign and what might cause hurt?

Perhaps there’s an answer in the Abhaya Sutra where the Buddha recommends the following:

If you know something to be erroneous, untrue, without benefit or unconnected with a particular goal, un-endearing and disagreeable to others, do not say it.

If you know something to be factual, true, without benefit, un-endearing and disagreeable to others, do not say it.

If you know something to be factual, true, beneficial, but un-endearing and disagreeable to others, it is best that you pick the proper time to say it.

If you know something to be erroneous, untrue, without benefit, and yet endearing and agreeable to others, do not say it.

If you know something to be factual, true, without beneficial, but endearing and agreeable to others, do not say it.

If you know something to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing and agreeable to others, and you have a sense of the proper time for saying it, then do so.

Well, the Buddha didn’t really prescribe. What he did was to inform Prince Abhaya of the parameters that define right speech, the ‘rules,’ if you like, that the Buddha follows when it comes to communication.

In this manner we could determine what to say and what not to say, when to say it and when to remain silent. Why? The Buddha says, ‘because the Thathagatha is compassionate.’

The ‘right’ of it or the ‘when’ (if we take the word as metaphor) is not limited to speech or ‘word.’ The consideration of fact, truth, whether beneficial or not, endearment and agreeability as well as a sense of ‘the moment’ or the ‘right time to say [it]’ could, if we so wish, inform views, resolve, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness and concentration. In other words the Noble Eightfold Path.

The rehearsal or practice if you want to call it that would open the doorways to enlightenment but let’s not go that far. All that matters is that such conduct is wholesome, beneficial to oneself and recipient of one’s words (or actions as the case may be) and certainly does not and cannot harm.

There are many ways of saying when, saying enough, saying now, saying stop and saying no. There are many ways of saying [something]. There is always the option of choosing a particular way of saying something. There’s always the option of saying nothing.

Requires a bit of reflection, that's all.

['The Morning Inspection' is the title of a column I wrote for the Daily News from 2009 to 2011, one article a day, Monday through Saturday. This is a new series. Links to previous articles in this new series are given below]

04 June 2023

"Say when"

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