Cricket Jokes (some are lame – admitted) – A BOOK I was WRITING in 2012

cricket

  1. Why did the horny playboy call the Australian cricket manager ? B’cos he was after a couple of hussies
  2. What would you call Tony Greig bowling a maiden over ? A comb over
  3. What is latest turf popular in the cricketing fraternity ? Hair Transplants, just ask Ponting, Bollinger or Kallis
  4. What is the official beverage for batsmen in cricket ? The Bacardi – bat
  5. What is the official beverage for cricket bowlers ? Johnny Walker – keep walking
  6. What did the audience ask the prince (Raja) of Indian cricket ? U Raj Sing
  7. Why did the condom manufacturer hire Rahul Dravid as its spokesperson ? B’cos he will always be a impenetrable wall
  8. What is the Portugese influenced theme song of the Indian cricket team that gives the impression of a booze train ? Gin Ganguly Gully Gully
  9. What do you get if you bring together the shortest and tallest West Indian cricketers ? David (Williams) and Big Bird (Garner)
  10. What is Chris Gayle’s Achilles heal ? Cornrows
  11. What is WG Grace’s – who popularized the game during its formative years – nickname in the cricketing circles ? A Spin Doctor
  12. What is the influence of the Chinese TV series ‘Monkey Magic’ to cricket ? Cricket has a Hogg for a chinaman.
  13. What is a blinder in cricket ? Damien Levrock in slips
  14. What is Tony Greig’s autobiography called ? If – The short-pitch conquests of a lock less monster
  15. What is Hashim Amla’s autobiography called ? The blades of gravity – Evolution of the Bald and the Bearded
  16. What is Harsha Bogle’s autobiography called ? Be spectatorcled
  17. What is Navjot Singh Sidhu’s autobiography called ? Mike-rage – Farming the essence of Agricultural metaphors
  18. What is Ian Bishop’s autobiography called ? The nuance of eminence – tales of an eternal Carribean alter boy
  19. What is Sunil Gavaskar’s autobiography called ? 36 reasons why Sunny never came home
  20. What is Wasim Akram’s autobiography called ? Swinging to action – the vines and the wiles of a Khanate prince.
  21. What is Willis’s autobiography called ? Marathon Man – when the feet finally slumbered
  22. What is Allan Border’s autobiography called ? Borderline whiskers of a nibbling southpaw
  23. What is Keplar Wessels autobiography called ? Unperched from Perth – The swan that transformed in to an ugly duckling
  24. What is Arjuna Ranatunga’s autobiography called ? Chunky – Confessions of a gluttonous Jak (Artocarpus/Halo) eater
  25. What is Damien Levrock’s autobiography called ? McChunky – The rolling adventures of a ravenous McClown.
  26. What is the autobiography of Ricky Ponting called ? Maverick – Why a bouncer could not nab me
  27. What is Aravinda De Silva’s autobiography called ? Unhook me – Tales of a compulsive hooker
  28. What is Bradley Hogg’s autobiography called ? The beacon of bacon – Hogging his way to where no man has been even been before
  29. What is Matthew Hayden’s autobiography called ? The Mongoose Cook – The appetite for construction of a carnivorous bludgeoner
  30. What is the autobiography of Shane Warne called ?  Flowing tales of an Uterian Diuretic – How mama’s boy fizzed on to a saucy bedzilla !
  31. What is Merv Hughes’s autobiography called ? Give me Moe – Cos he is like grease lightning !
  32. When does a cricket match have three bats and three balls in the middle ? In the presence of a male streaker
  33. What is the autobiography of T.M Dilshan called ? Insatiable for a scoop – Icy tales of a true convert.
  34. What is the autobiography of Anil Kumble called ? The Karnataka Kohinoor – Engineering a moustache for magnum revolutions.
  35. What is the autobiography of Virat Kohli called ? Fastracked – Too fly for a trite guy
  36. What is the autobiography of M.S Dhoni called ? Samson’s delight – Unlocked but not tamed
  37. What is the height of frustration in cricket ? Curtley Ambrose fielding for his toes.
  38. Why are frog legs considered a delicacy in cricket ? Because there were times where there was a frog in a blender
  39. What is Shane Warne’s fan club called ? Badzillas
  40. What is MS Dhoni’s fan club called ? Hell Coptors
  41. What is Hashim Amla’s fan club called ? Grasshoppers
  42. What is Doug Bollinger’s fan club called ? Ro-gained
  43. What would you call Paul Adams autobiography ? A unique story of a how a frog jumped out of a blender on to a cricketing field
  44. What would you call Ian Botham’s autobiography ? Skankthrope to summersex – Ian of many trades and master of fun
  45. What would you call Vinod Kambli’s autobiography ? Earings to tearings: All that glitters is just not gold
  46. What would you call Mohommed Yousuf’s autobiography ? Finding Holyland – From a Crusader to a Saracen
  47. What would you call Neil McKenzie’s autobiography ? Commode Capers – Sitting out, looking in
  48. What would call Inzamam ul-Haq’s autobiography ? Fat boy slim – Misadventures of an eternal meat lover
  49. What would you call Michael Clark’s autobiography ? A puppy’s life – wagging with the tail
  50. What is Salil Ankola’s autobiography called ?……Frankly, do you remember me ?
  51. What is Greg Matthew’s autobiography called ? Cap capers – springing like an eternal spin chicken
  52. What is Sachin Tendulkar’s autobiography called ? Immaculate conception: Why God spent an eternity on Sachin
  53. What is Rahul Dravid’s autobiography called ? Wall-me: A perfect toon
  54. What would you call Muttiah Muralitharan’s autobiography ? Mesmerizing Merlin – Confessions of a confectionary wizard
  55. What is Shivranine Chanderpaul’s autobiography called ? Kiss ma’bat – For the frog really is a prince
  56. What is Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography called ? Dwarfed by Mr Spock – a universal trek for a cowboy at heart
  57. What is Jason Gillespie’s autobiography called ? 201 red balloons – white mullets can bat
  58. What is Brett Lee’s autobiography called ? Speed thrills – A Fast tracked blues brother in Bollywood.
  59. What is Shane Lee’s autobiography called ? A Caning for Cain – Paradise lost but rock music regained
  60. What is Darran Bravo autobiography called ? The last of the many Mohicans – Collecting the bits and pieces of an all-round jigsaw puzzle
  61. What is Darran Bravo autobiography called ? Lara’s craft: The battles of a true tomb chaser
  62. What is Fidel Edwards autobiography called ? A Coronated Castro – Why Viv’s magic wand spawned a fiery gnome king
  63. What is the autobiography of Greame Swann called ? The swan that outgrew the lake – An alpha spin to a cygnature domination of cricket
  64. What is the autobiography of Clive Lloyd called ? The indomitable moustache – Why the smile always looks like a frown
  65. What is the autobiography of Daryl Cullinan’s called ? The baby faced assassin – Preying on cricket’s killing fields
  66. What is the autobiography of Gary Kirstan called ? The prince of Africa, The king of India – How a bald eagle soared to the exospheres
  67. What is the autobiography of Pat Symcox called ? Giant men can spin – Offing the blights of African slow bowling
  68. What is the autobiography of Imran Khan called ? Captain my Captain – the life and times of an innovative gem and gold prospector
  69. What is the autobiography of Javed Minandad called ? Javed in boots – why the midnight oil never runs out
  70. What is the autobiography of Garfield Sobers ? Super Garfield – How a feline superhero stormed out of the alley
  71. What is the autobiography of Viv Richards ? Issac – Son god to a sacrificial generation
  72. What is the autobiography of Lance Klusener ? Lock stock and my bat barrel – Story of a trigger happy shy guy
  73. What is the autobiography of Luke Wright called ? Cool hand Luke – Never underestimate the Blonde next door
  74. What is the autobiography of Samit Patel called ? Bulldoze me if you can – why size matters for Sir Might
  75. What is the autobiography of Andy Flintoff called ? From the ashes to a phoenix – Tales of a god poser
  76. What is the autobiography of Jonathan Trott called ? Boring scores heavy – The batting adventures of an unlikely Casanova
  77. What is the autobiography of Stuart Broad called ? The breeding game – why the broad doesn’t land far from the brood
  78. What is the autobiography of Abdul Razzak called ? Why Zak is not dull – Clubbing stories of a psychadelic Pakman
  79. What is the autobiography of Chris Lewis called ? Bible to Libel – Story of a Priest turned Prisoner
  80. What would Neil McKenzie’s rhythmic fan club be called ? Commode Commodores
  81. What would Saurav Ganguly’s fan club be called ? The Sin City Bengals
  82. What is Andrew Flintoff’s fan club called ? Andy’s bandy-dandy army
  83. What would Kumar Sangakkara’s autobiography be called ? Debarred but not deterred – No oscars nor wild but a batsman of elegance and style.
  84. What is Mahela Jaywardana’s autobiography called ? Oh you sexy thing – How I nailed Christina in the Men’s locker room and even behind the pavilion
  85. What is Prassanna Jaywardana’s autobiography called ? The keeper of the flame – The dying art-form of keepers who bat a bit
  86. What is Sanath Jayasuriya’s autobiography called ? Sun shine on my baldy head – Distracting the fores with a reflecting force
  87. What is Ian Botham’s fan club called ? The quickies and the shagfest
  88. What is Larry Gomes’s fan club called ? Twirly-curlies
  89. What is Lance Gibbs fan club called ? Carribean licorice – black men can twirl
  90. What is Brian McMillan’s autobiography called ? One Big Mac please – McWilling in bat, ball or slips.
  91. What is Allan Donald’s biography called ? The great white spark – banging and swinging for an electronic impulse
  92. What is Joel Garner’s autobiography called ? Out of sight – How clouds interfered a big bird’s vision
  93. What is Augustine Logie’s autobiography called ? King of the pixies – short anecdotes of the bamboo hearted
  94. What is Anthony Stuart’s autobiography called ? Three hit wonder – How the count of three dethroned a wallaby boxer
  95. What is Neil Fairbrother’s autobiography called ? South claw – The journey of a scraping wonder
  96. What is Darren Leahmann’s autobiography called ? Russel Arnold’s cunt – learning the lesson the blunt way
  97. What is Craig White autobiography called ? Brothers-in-law in war – why the ashes had a sister in the middle
  98. What is Darren Sammy’s autobiography called ? Gentle giant – Innocuous bowler bottom hand bludgoner
  99. What is Ranjan Madugalle autobiography called ? Poster boy player poster boy match referee
  100. What is Paul Adam’s autobiography called ? The Frog that turned into a Chinaman

Published by Curiosity-driven life (Dilantha Gunawardana)

Dr Dilantha Gunawardana graduated from the University of Melbourne, as a molecular biologist, and moonlights as a poet. He currently serves as a Senior Lecturer in the Department of Botany, University of Sri Jayewardenepura. Dilantha lives in a chimeric universe of science and poetry. Dilantha’s poems have been accepted for publication /published in HeartWood Literary Magazine, Canary Literary Magazine, Boston Accent, Forage, Kitaab, Eastlit, American Journal of Poetry, Zingara Poetry Review, The Wagon and Ravens Perch, among others. Dilantha too has two anthologies of poetry, 'Kite Dreams' (2016) and 'Driftwood' (2017), both brought to the readership by Sarasavi Publishers, and is working on his third poetry collection (The Many Constellations of Home). Dilantha’s pet areas of teaching and research, include, Nitrogen Fixation, RNA biology, Phytoremediation, Agricultural Biology, and Bioethics & Biosafety.

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