I told myself not to think about that.

I told myself to focus on the now. The here and now when you were with me, in my house, seated next to me, knee to knee, my fingers just drawn to play with your cute curly hair as you droned on about your silly little obsessions like iphone this, ebay that, thinking I was hanging on every word you were saying like it was going to come in an the most important exam of my life. I was.. sad thing was, I was… because a future with you was possible and impossible. Nothing absolute. Grey areas.. I was warned about what they could do to you.

But here I am.. wondering about what could’ve been. I’m hoping its therapeutic to write it out for the whole world to see. Because, life without you now seems possible. But at the same time a guilty pleasure, wrecked with indecision and self loathing.

Two weeks ago, I couldn’t look at your face. But life and I moved on, and I can work with you like what happened just last month never happened. A bad and awkward dream I quickly forgot. Something not even worth mentioning. I’m hoping for the same result here. I’d imagine it once, and it’d be a resolved idea out of my head.

My heart lighter. My head better. My smile more real. My loathing a little less svelte. And you message me dragging me back to a happier time.. when we were us. Like nothing has changed.

Talking of future things… for you.

I wonder… did you imagine me with you, finally with my own iphone to interact with you even more. The batman to my superman, the boy now a man whose hand just found a way into. Mine. Some way, automatically, blissfully.

Weekends when you were back in colombo, falling asleep and waking up in the same bed as me. Maybe with that kitten you promised me for my birthday all grown up in to the moody cat who loved you more than me.

My mum making us breakfast and lunch and showing us off every chance she gets. Me helping your mum with the farm and joining in with her as she picks on your all-round lack of concern about it.

Kisses. Lots of kisses to make up for all the times I stared into your bright brown eyes being drawn into them and finding myself just wanting… just wanting one kiss. Sweet, simple, chaste and pure. Just like my love for you.. that wanted to grow into the other things that followed, with you.

Movie days in, cuddled up in your sheet. Workday lunches, where I sneak you your favorite snacks and sweets with the help of your workmates. Giving your douchebag of a jealous best friend a hard time, together. Game nights with all our closest friends. Going out.. dancing with you, rather than alongside you. Getting drunk, together, on our favorite wine.

Life.. life with you, sounds good in my head. But it’s a pity it can’t be. I’d like to think somewhere out there in a parallel universe, another you and me ended up together. Taking care of me as much as I took care of you. Loving me so much more than you did, or atleast loving me enough to know, it hurts to carry on life without you.