He wakes up early… blame it on a school boarding upbringing. But somehow someway.. I just instinctually know when it’s a message from him. It would come early, sometimes expecting me to see it first thing in the morning a few hours later on my phone/whatsapp or fb, but yesterday… things were different. I was having trouble sleeping after loosing sleep over a project i’m working on, and just caught the message as it was.

Chaos ensued, conversation rattled on with long pauses on both sides. But it ended with him egging me on to sleep. Endearingly saying things that woke me up in cherished candor than peaceful slumber brought on by light and tired eyes. But i constantly second guess myself. I bet he says that to everyone i tell myself, trying to sober it up a bit. Maybe he uses words interchangeably as i do after all…

I couldn’t help myself as I reached out in desperation for a moment of truth.. a blatant attempt of clarifying his endearing sms. or to get a note in the right direction. that all this back and forth in the wee hours of morning were not in vain. that we were heading somewhere beautiful and marvellous. That all of this mattered. all of this was matter in a heavier ambition.

but it wasn’t in vain really. After all it was him, it was all about him, for him. Pure, unselfish, innocent love. A heavy price, a deathly toll.. I secretly wish sometimes that all these would create a demand in him, but that’s not how it should work.

So i settled for his neither here-nor-there remark. Wondering what kind of blind he was to not see the signs. Or if he wasn’t, what kind of cruel, to either lead me on or not address. But then again his innocence….. his unknowing in this cause.. might well be the death of me.