BubbleButt

I’m bursting with things I want, and things want to do! I want to sing with different bands, I want to color my hair, I want to get a new tattoo, I want to go to the gym, I want an iPad, I want a gold watch, I want a car!!!

Ok, I’ll admit that’s a lot of things to want at the same time. Some of these are realistic, some are not. But I remember one of the things I wished for initially was more gigs. The band I was with was doing very poorly, and I quit to join another that was more stable. Doing this has opened up a whole bunch of doors for me to meet new people and sing with different bands, and this means more gigs, and more gigs means more money, and more money means I get to have the material things things my heart is hankering after. Yey! And it all came from trusting in a higher being, to take care of me, just because he can.

All my life I’ve tried to be a religious person. First it was obey your parents, do confession, don’t lie. Later it was read the bible, don’t have per-marital sex, or masturbate, or drink or smoke. Follow the 10 commandments. I failed at all of these. And all that was left was guilt. I felt I was too far gone. God must hate me, cz I can’t seem to keep his commandments. So I let myself go completely, and lived life however I saw fit. I didn’t really get too far. Well I did, but in the wrong direction.

Recently I saw this video on Youtube, saying  – what if God really wanted to punish us and cut us out just because we sinned. It would be like a mom and a kid – where, when the kid spilled something on the floor, Mom says ‘forget it. I don’t even love you anymore.’ Why do we limit God, and say his love is unconditional… but wait: not if you’re a homosexual. Not if you’re a prostitute. Not if you’re druggie. Isn’t that in itself a contradiction? I want to believe in a God that is bigger than his self appointed priests say he is. And thanks to a few friends, now I do.

I believe he is love-everlasting and forgiveness -unending. He’s the best dad in the world, and the perfect boyfriend. He showers you with gifts and love, if you would only open your arms and receive them. And he never gives up. Looking back on the last year or two of my life, I can practically see how he stood with me as I did all the shit that I did, waiting for me to ask him to save me. I didn’t want him near; but he never left.

In December last year I got sick. Considering the lifestyle that I lived, it was probably the mildest thing that could’ve happened to me. But at the time, I freaked. I didn’t know who to tell, or where to go, which doctor to see. I left it alone for about 3 months out of sheer shame, and it only got worse. Finally – I turned to him, all hope lost, broken physically and mentally – and surprise, surprise… he said ‘I love you, you are already healed’. Within 2 days my physical symptoms were gone 70%. Withing 2 weeks, I was perfectly healed. No trace of anything.

After all of that, I’d be a fool to go back to my old life. Don’t get me wrong, I still drink and smoke. I aint perfect, never said I was. I’ll be honest here, and say I love getting high. I’m still working out the kinks. But it sure does feel better to know that God isn’t going to turn his back on me because I’m not perfect.

Wow. I really didn’t think this post was gonna head in this direction. I’ve written about God in the past, but most if it was like – “do you exist?? Why are you such a sadist??? SHOW YOURSELF!!!!!” But the coin has been flipped, and this feeling I have right now – it’s priceless.

There are more things I want to come to pass in my life, and I know now, that it’s just a matter of time. My dark days are over, and boy, oh boy, does it feel good.