The Complete Chronicles Of Chaos

That question always causes little explosions in my head to go off…SO much wrong!!!

It is probably the most frequently asked question from Zee Kaiser next to “Is that it?” and “Where is my money?”  So me being the genius I am I have decided to post a comprehensive list of things wrong with me and upload it for you judgmental reviews…Happy reading.

I imagine I am the ruler of a post apocalyptic world known as Chaos. I call myself Zee Kaiser and refer to my friends as “foot soldiers” I frequently find myself checking out gas masks in occupational safety shops and I firmly believe the Armageddon is upon us!

I cry at movies. Yesterday I cried watching "Tangled” before that it was “Sucker Punch” I think? and today it was “Mr. Poppers penguins” (I cried when the eggs were hatching!!!!!)  I cannot watch “City of Angels” without balling like a healthy new born baby, I cried my eyes out (much to the horror of my darling date) at “Hancock” and most movies including Rambo, Die Hard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…and Terminator will cause me to tear up and feel sad for a long time!!!

I squeal, giggle and grin when I get ice cream in a cone and I can occasionally be found jumping on the bed, I buy cool toys, action figures, LEGO, remote controlled helicopters and other things meant for 12 year olds. I have temper tantrums at least once a week and I still bang on occupied toilet doors and wail “I need to peeeeeeeeee” while clutching the crown jewels!!! (I’ll be 30 in a couple of years just for the record)

I live off Pringles and diet coke. Pringles coz I like them. Diet coke to feel “healthy” after all it is DIET coke right? RIGHT?!?!?

I like reading girlie magazines..NO..not the ones where the girlies are naked…the girlie girlie ones…with shoes and gossip and those funky scratch and smell perfume strips!!! I like boy magazines too…but their not as entertaining as the girlie ones!!!

I have this delusional idea that I can write!!!

I talk to planes, specially when they start giving me trouble!!! (“what is WRONG with you Alpha-Delta-foxy…why you always give me false ECAM warnings ah? I gave you extra fuel also…your sucha bitch…now don’t be mean…RESET" ok angel?)

I know the lyrics to most Taylor Swift songs…I follow her on twitter, have ALL her songs saved on my laptop, have ALL her songs saved on my phone and have a few pretty pics of her! and I’m a proud little “swifty” ❤

I like to watch ants…I do not however like them living in my laptop! which they do!!! I also torment them occasionally…leaving pieces of biscuits here and there and then moving them six inches as the ant-army comes to claim them!!! tee hee hee (I also imagine they talk to each other “huththo! I’m telling you the choco-chip cookie crumb was over THERE a few seconds ago”)

I am a complete alcoholic…I have been found drunk in ditches, under bar tables, atop bar tables, professing my love to strangers, making out with OLD women and peeing on the walls of HFC bamba and at the Kollupitiya police station after a “night out”

I am rude and I think its funny…I frequently have people walking away from me coz I scream shit like “OMG you WHORE!!! long time no seeeeeeeeeee” and I refer to everyone including the relatives as “losers”

I fall in love with different people once a month on average…and go into a state of complete depression when I realize their not “the one” this day will be spent listening to Taylor swift and crying after movies as mentioned above!!!

I run away from the police even though I have nothing to hide…and once had them chase after me…no I didn’t get caught….I can still run to save myself pretty well!

I am an absolute idiot in most cases…current affairs, general knowledge, economic thingies, maths and physics…however I seem to have a bit of common sense which saves me!

I will do insane things if I think they’ll be fun…skinny dipping, swimming with sharks, throwing rocks at a cop car and crashing into stationary objects on my bicycle…and yes…I still ride a bicycle!!! (mostly coz I cant afford a car)

The sole ambition in my life is to build a whopping huge pool in my house…(ok so I want a bar and a BBQ grill beside the pool…but the pool is the main focus….just saying it makes me grin…Poooooooooooooooooooool!!! ❤

I still believe in “true love” Apparently that’s “wrong” too…people apparently “learn” it doesn’t exist after they turn 20 or get their hearts broken more than 3 times…but I’ve passed both those measures (by a considerable amount) and I can safely say “I STILL BELIEVE”

I think I am awesome and tell complete strangers that I am…usually this makes them think I’m a jerk…but I’m not…well not really…! REALLY!!!! I’m not I swear…I’m just…uh….awesome!!!

I think having dangerous animals as pets is cool….much to the horror of the mommy! Snakes, scorpions, tarantulas, piranhas and a rather large centipede that is forever lost under my bed!!! O.o (Don’t tell the mommy though)

Given the option of sex and a night long making out session…I chose the latter…more than once!!! (cowers from the guys throwing things at him and calling him a big fat ponna-patiya) heheh

I do the weirdest shit on dares…Jumped off the wings of a rather large plane, crossed Galle road like a monkey, rode a broom in front of Bishops College, and ate a live worm for 50rs!!! *shudder* – it seemed to be full of mud for those of you who are wondering!!!

Hmmmm….that seems to be it…yep…that is all the weird I am!!! So tell me…what the fuck is wrong with YOU?!?!

~ by Kaiser Kobayashi on October 9, 2011.

Posted in Chaos Chronicles