In My Pink High Heels

Bliss

I wish i could write about love, and how one look in to your eyes could reveal all the pieces of my life that you have connected together with your wild, childish, impulsive spirit. I want to write about how i feel next to you, blissful, fulfilled, heart racing, crazy, stupid, madly and hopelessly yours that I cannot breathe. I want to tell you about how your hand, your arms and your smell, chase me in to another dimension of complete obsession, the feeling of security, warmth merging with a stormy pool of lust, obsession and psychotic need to become one with each other, until we are completely exhausted and fall asleep inches a part, combined souls blissful together. I want to show you how my eyes are open, my heart is exposed, my ears can finally hear and how for once i feel so alive and so open that one word can make me bleed until I cannot see anybody but you.

But I am here, my baby, my angel, my sweet sweet boy, the man who owns me, the love that controls me, I am here, to tell you about everything we have lost.

When I met, you made my heart stop with your childish tantrums, moody eyes, even then you could make me, bossy, beautiful me apologize for being irrational, longing to hold you, kiss your head and apologize over and over for making your eyes flash in fury. Slowly but surely you found my woman, found her and took complete control of her as i opened up to you begging you to take care of me.


When you met me, you grappled with longing to posses me, but reveled in the how free i was. Somewhere you could not resist me, and whilst i always believe I had you, now i see that you have always totally, right from the start, somewhere in Mattegoda, you have always totally had me.

But I cannot be had, you cannot set me free, I am too afraid to be free without you and you are afraid if I'm set free, I will be lost forever, leaving you alone with the memory of how blissful life was.

I am so afraid, that out there, is a world where I can be free I may not need you, I am afraid, that someone might let me exhaust all my worldly ways and bide his time until I am sane. I am afraid, I will stop looking for earthquakes of passion and bedrocking obsession and become one with peace. I am afraid, that I am too much, to loud, to angry, to complicated for you to sustain your fragile yet unwavering love for me.

Do you think I do not know how much you love, how much it takes your breath away at the thought of losing me, how much you need me, with my crazy, pathetic, manipulative tricks and childish eyes so wide when I'm wrong, how much, just how much, you cannot erase the smell of my hair strangling all your senses.

Do you not know how much I love you, with little shame I pursue you, forsaking my life, the pain of waiting, the anger of being vulnerable, the hate i feel for allowing myself to be found out, discovered, exposed as dependent, fragile, easily broken. Do you not know that I am yours, so completely, so totally that I cannot move without your hand to guide, that I cannot breathe freely when you are not around, that i cannot stand to be held my another in case they take away the marks that you have left me with.

Yet, we argue, forgetting how beautiful we are, how complete we make each other, how perfect our love could be, how blessed we are to be so completely without self that we only identify ourselves as a part of each other.

Yet we forget how tight we are holding, how insecure the world has made us, that we cannot bear the thought, of the world taking us away from each other, when we know only our Father if he so wanted to, could break this bond.

We are not free, finally we are not free, we are one, never to be broken apart, never to be separate, never to be completely alive without the other, never to held accountable for our own actions but to deal with the consequences it has on each other. How beautiful my baby, how beautiful that we have found the person that completes us.

Yet, all we remember is what was lost, all the rules people have formed about the life we must have, the life that can be seen by the world and be approved by society, we remember the anger we have felt when another looks at what is ours, forgetting that the person who completes you, can only complete you, and not another. We forget to trust, we forget the strength of our love, and ascribe the behaviors we have become accustomed in the past when we went through scores of connections that didn't complete us.

If we could just be, savoring our bliss, finding its truth, seeing through each others eyes, knowing that forever, no man or woman can complete us, understanding each others past, healing each other for the future and encouraging each other to find prosperity, without the fear of losing each other then and only then can we find freedom within our hearts that are locked together.

I will always love you, even if we never achieve all that we were meant to be, I will always be here, with complete trust in need for you. I will always be your baby. Please reach inside, and find your freedom, so for once, we can be free.

posted by pINKhIGHhEELS @ 12:59 AM